Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I came so hard my ears popped.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
