I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
