Fuck appropriateness.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
