In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Success! We fucked roommates!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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