She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
