Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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