In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
