Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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