I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
