More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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