Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
