Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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