I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize