I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
