tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Enjoy the penises
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
