I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize