So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
