i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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