i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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