apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
