He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
