she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
