you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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