Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
