i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
