I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
