all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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