I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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