just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
