I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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