i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
