You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
