dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize