im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
