Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
