this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
