the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
