I'm going to jail i love you
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
