so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
