she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
