Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
