when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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