we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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