he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
