she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
