I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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