You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
