He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
