These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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