i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
