wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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