Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize