I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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