you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
