It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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