dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
