some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
