How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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