My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
