I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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