The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
