My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
