Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Your cock deserves a montage
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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