I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
